Long time, not post. Don't ask me why, as I don't have a viable excuse. I don't have any excuse really, save for perhaps I'm lazy. But I felt like I needed to vent, to re-leave pressure, so here I am.
I've been terribly depressed lately and I don't really know why. Perhaps it's the fact that I have no direction in my life, or perhaps it's my lack of ambition, my lack of friends, or my lack of self, my lack of money, my lack of... Needless to say, I look at my self and see nothing I would be proud of. Yes, I admit that I'm nice and friendly, but how far does that get you in life when you don't have anything to back it up? I don't have a job, am too self conscious to get one, and don't have the skills beyond a fry-cook even if I had the nerve. I've put in some applications (at the library, at Wal-Mart, Blockbuster, etc) but don't have the drive to push.
Remember the quiet girl in the back of class who smiled when she was spoken too, was helpful and nice to everyone, but ended up walking home alone to sit in solitary until the next day? That would be me, and right now i feel it. Perhaps I just haven't found my direction in this world and this depression is just everything compressing together. I don't know. It's just horribly annoying.
I'm still in my Japanese snit. It's been roughly a year now, and It's finally escalating. I've started my 'Trip to Japan' jar, my MP3 player has more JRock on it than anything English, I've started learning Japanese (speaking and writing), and I've been watching JDramas so much I have been neglecting my reading (if it wasn't for the one hour load time, the lack of online sources, my small hard drive, and the fact that JDramas are only roughly 10 episodes long, I probably wouldn't function at all.) And before you say 'I do that too,' imagine that it's been roughly a 15hour/day thing for the last month. I'm 26, for goodness' sake! I need to get a life!!
Perhaps I'll go cry my self to sleep and dream I'm rich enough not to have to worry about all this, but instead worry about other things. That way when I wake up in the morning my life won't look quite so bad.
I am sorry you are going through a hard time. I have been having similar feelings of having no direction as well. I wish I had some words of advice but I definitely don't. I think my cat might though because he keeps walking over the keyboard and driving me crazy.
ReplyDeleteHopefully you will get one of those jobs you applied for, then you will that much closer to your trip to Japan.
Smile, sometimes it is the only thing you can do.
Feel better. I will be thinking about you.
Thanks for the comment. I'm feeling much better and have come to the conclusion that my cold medicine enhanced my depression. I knew there was a good reason I never take the stuff. I guess it's back to warm tea and sleep for me.
ReplyDeleteAs for your cat, cats are always full of insight and are wonderful companions when your depressed. Yours must just have supper insight. And driving one crazy is one of their many traits. And there is no way of braking them from it. At least none that I have found...
Thanks again for the post. Happy reading!